How Do You Set Boundaries With Your Child Without Feeling Guilty for Saying No?

Quick interview with Gergana Dimitrova - child psychologist
15 March 2025

Question: How do you set boundaries for your child without feeling guilty about saying no?

Answer: Setting boundaries has become a hot topic for parents these days, and for specialists too, including psychologists, educators and speech therapists. What I've noticed over the past few years is that more and more parents are struggling with this. For most of them, there comes a point when they realise their usual way of handling their child simply isn't working. So how do parents get to that realisation?

In most cases, it's the world around them that starts sending the signals something's off. The child starts throwing tantrums and crying uncontrollably, shouting, and in some cases even acting out aggressively towards objects nearby. And this shows up more and more often in everyday life, say, when a toy gets refused, or they're asked to be patient and wait for something they want. That's when a parent starts asking themselves, "Where did I go wrong?" Which inevitably brings on some tough feelings. The adult may well start blaming themselves for not being a good enough parent. In moments like this, it's important to realise that setting boundaries doesn't mean laying down bans in a harsh tone backed by punishment. What matters is understanding what boundaries are actually for. Once their real value is understood, and it becomes visible in practice through a genuine shift in the child's behaviour, the guilt starts to ease too, because the whole thing now looks different.

Question: Can you give an example?

Answer: Picture this: your child has just learned to walk and is wandering round the room when they head straight for a sharp object left somewhere in plain sight and easy reach. Like the curious little explorer they are, they go straight for it, wanting to pick it up and take a closer look. The child has no idea it could hurt them. All that's driving them right now is the urge to explore their surroundings, and that urge is running the show. How would you react? It's a rhetorical question, of course. :) I'm sure your first instinct would be a clear, firm "No!", followed by taking the object off the table. But in that moment, the child feels stopped and can't get what they wanted. As a result, they feel real frustration, shown through crying and shouting. Would you hand over the sharp object just because they got upset about you taking it away? I'm sure you wouldn't. Most of you would start explaining why they can't have it, then redirect their attention to something else. Given the situation we've just described, do you feel guilty that your child wanted something so badly and you firmly said no? You're well aware of what could happen to your child's physical safety if they got hold of an object like that. That's why the boundary here is clear and firm, and it's not up for "negotiation."

Now think about boundaries around emotional development, and how you see them: as something bad that "shortchanges" your child, or as something good and genuinely useful for them.

Question: Why is it important to say "No" to children?

Answer: Being able to say no when it's needed brings real benefits.

First, it shows a clearly defined boundary in the parent-child relationship.

Second, it teaches your child that they can't always get everything they want. That, in turn, builds their ability to put off what they want right now, teaching them to work within the limits of the world around them.

Third, it builds their independence.

Fourth, it builds their ability to understand and manage their own emotions.

And last but not least, it starts shaping a really important life lesson in your child: "To receive, you first have to give."

To wrap up, I'd like to point out that no one is free of mistakes. No one ever teaches us how to be a parent, there's no precise, one-size-fits-all guide, and that's perhaps what makes it both the hardest and the happiest role any of us will ever have. What matters isn't striving to be "perfect," but being able to own our mistakes, first to ourselves, and then take the steps needed to put them right. :)